Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Gorge

Watching my children this evening with a pillow case full of Halloween loot it brings back memories. I think there was a few Halloween nights that were my only instances of real binge eating. Didn't almost all of us do that while we were kids? It seems like we had far less easy access to candy when I was a child. My children are fairly blasé about most of it, we still have some candy leftovers from Easter in our cupboard. That would never happened in our house while growing up!

None of my kids currently have any issues with their weight, in fact two wear slims. I have no idea if that has any connection with their candy attitude or not. More likely they are just blessed with their father's metabolism.

New Thoughts for the Same Old Me

Just because I've given up dieting it doesn't mean I'm just going to let it all go, park my plump behind on the sofa, scarf down down bon bons and milkshakes until I eat myself to death (conjuring up images of Nicolas Cage's character drinking himself to death in Leaving Las Vegas).

In accepting myself as God made me I also need to honor my body. Feed it good, healthy food and exercise. I can't possibly claim one can be fat AND healthy if I don't take care of myself.

This is an altogether different way of thinking for me. In the past being mindful of eating healthier foods and exercising was just a means to an end, the end being weight loss. I don't lack willpower. Almost all previous "diets" resulted in the following scenario: I religiously followed a low calorie diet and exercised like mad, it would work well for a while until I would hit a mother of all plateaus and absolutely nothing would budge on the scale (or my measurements)--for months and months, even over a year no matter what I did. I would finally give up and weight would rapidly return even though I didn't go hog wild.

I'm retraining myself to view food and exercise differently. It is refreshing to just embrace them both for their own benefits.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


I'm calling these my fatspiration. It's not in the way anorexic sites (or ana sites) use thinspiration to inspire them continue on in the depths of their disease. These are inspiration to me for to be accepting of my bountiful size. In my eyes these are some of the most beautiful women in the world, plus size or not.

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm Fat

There it is. I'm coming to terms with it. I'm not a thin person trying to get out. There is a bit of mourning a dream, as elusive as it is. Odds are I'm never going to be thin, have thighs that don't rub together, wear a single digit size (or anything without an X in it), no one is going to gasp in amazement after seeing for the first time in a while and say, "You look great. You lost weight!"

However, I'm done. I'm done with mentally and emotionally beating myself up for my size. I'm through with starving and exercising myself into year long plateaus, only to see weight come back with alarming speed despite only consuming 2500 calories a day. I'm done with being at war with my body, calories, and the scale. I've wasted more than half my life being dissatisfied with my size, being on a diet or thinking about going on a diet. I'm not wasting any more of my precious time on this planet obsessing about trying to see a lower number on the scale or a smaller number on the tag of my clothes.

The new journey begins. I'm going to learn new thought processes and behaviors. I'm going to view myself differently. I'm wasted so much time, let's go.