The Fat Girl

2011-07-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, I just scored the very last one of this fab Igigi dress in their final cut clearance section...in my size! I have been watching it for several months and I feel like I totally lucked out.

Hmmm...

2011-07-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Very interesting and not surprising study finding indications of weight loss surgery not extending life expectancy. (Don't read the comments, never read the comments, amazing the people who demand thinness no matter the costs and almost zero expectation of "success".)

2011-05-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Sweater from Igigi and "Most Fabulous Pants" from Avenue. Outside of the lack of pockets they are indeed a totally fabulous pant. They are super comfortable and don't pinch or bind me anywhere. I went back and bought several of them on sale. As usual I also love the Igigi sweater and should have likely ordered a size down. My hair is in an in process stage to get much of the layers grown out long enough to cut them out and I'm less than happy with it at the moment.

2011-05-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

Sweater from Avenue, tank from Torrid, skinny jeans from Avenue, scarf from Coldwater Creek, rad knee-high stretch boots finally found off ebay after much frustration and many returns to several plus sized retailers that claimed they were wide calf boots (Yes, I mean you Woman Within and Roamans--standardize your freaking sizes to your charts or give individualized dimensions for each size for each item. Eventually fat woman will get of dealing with this shoddy treatment.).

2011-05-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

Me and my little guy, he didn't want to actually touch my lips because I had lipstick on. Shirt from Avenue, ponte knit pants from Junonia, scarf from One Stop Plus. His little yellow rain boots are from Gymboree.

Yep, I actually fell on my ample behind after trying to straddle the little chair.

Making My Fat Fatty Fatness Visible

2011-05-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

The last several months I've noticed a lot of buzz on several fat acceptance sites about making our fat selves more visible in an effort to normalize our bodies. I've decided to take on the challenge and will be making an effort to post more pictures of myself. Sometimes I might do some outfit blogging, maybe I won't. I see a lot of fantastic, fat, edgy, and mostly young outfit bloggers. I think I can bring a slightly different voice to the party.

I'm 42, a homemaker, mom of four, and a military spouse of one who is currently deployed overseas. I have a mostly casual Seattle lifestyle but I do attend a lot of theatre and artistic endeavors. I like to dress uniquely but at my age I find some things are just starting to look silly. I'm fairly shameless and difficult to embarrass. I've come a long way in my self and fat acceptance but I, of course, still struggle with moments of doubt and criticalness. I'm really not sure what I weigh and don't feel inclined to find out. I'm 5'4" and I generally wear a US size 26-28 (less if we're dealing with Igigi, higher even than that if we're dealing with "skinny" jeans as I like them less skinny).

I foresee this taking my blog in a bit of a new direction for me and some antics from my normal life weaving themselves in my normalizing body image. Since I cannot find the thingy that attaches a camera to my tripod there will undoubtedly be some odd angles until it turns up.

Today's outfit: red ponte knit dress and black ponte knit leggings from Avenue, both bought a size too big so they would be loose; scarf from Walgreens, where I had addiction buying their 2 for $10 scarves every time I went in there for milk.

Passionate, Head Over Heals, I'm Going to Marry You, Igigi Love

2011-04-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

It seems my life is going to be heading in a bit of a new direction and I foresee a need for more formal and dressy wear than my normal life has required. I discovered Igigi's sale and 'final cut' sections. Even there the prices were still a bit steeper than I generally pay but after so much glowing reviews of the company from fat fashion bloggers I decided to take the plunge and even order some things that weren't returnable. I loved everything in my first order so much quickly placed a second order, and another one since. In total it's been two gowns, five dresses, a jacket, two shirts, a skirt, and two long sweaters. I can honestly say I'm in passionate love with all them but one dress, and that one is okay enough for me not to regret it asking it out.

I think why I feel so moved by this experience is I think this is the first time as a plus size woman I've actually had clothes designed, from their conception, to flatter me and not just cover me up in an pleasant enough wrapper. Along with the much higher than quality these clothes actually make me feel good, sexy, and beautiful. With all the negative feelings that most of us accepting our fatness have had to confront having that reaction to clothing is a powerful thing. At moments it almost brought me to tears--in a good way, when does that normally happen with fat women?

After doing a bit more research on the company and watching many of their youtube videos Yuliya has a loyal fan and customer with me, even if it's from stalking the final cut section. My only hope is at some point she will include at bit more casual wear in the collection as well.

What Lies Beneath The Biggest Loser

2009-11-25T00:38:00.000-08:00

I know, I know it will come as a surprise to many but unsafe behaviors have occurred on The Biggest Loser. Gasp! Really?

Of course they have! I'm glad some this hidden, dark side is finally bubbling up to the surface. The show's shaming of fat people, totally unrealistic expectations, and fear mongering has to stop. If it was reality show focused on health as it claims to be it would be honest about it's "failures" and wouldn't perpetuate a system to encourage contestants to put their health at risk for the sake of numbers on a scale. No matter what anybody involved claims this show isn't about health, it's about ratings and money at the expense of health. It's sick.

Article on Doctors' Fatness

2009-08-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

Like most articles on the subject of weight and health much of this one in the L.A. Times is mostly a bunch of unsubstantiated drivel even if it does mention the fatosphere. Ms. Deardorff, just throwing a sentence or two in there about fat activism doesn't make your piece well-balanced. Also the idea that seeing an "overweight" doctor is analogous to taking advice from a CPA who just file bankruptcy is way off-base. It's one of those things people say to make themselves sound clever and thoughtful but is just meaningless. Really, my biggest gripe with this piece is just what a lame note it ends on, "I am fat because I eat too much," she admitted. "I exercise plenty but I just eat too much. In fact, burp, I just did." Groan, really? Once again it lays all the "blame" on fat people being unrestrained gluttons.

I do have concerns with the overall premise of the article. Just like many pursuits, doctors and otherwise; fat people no matter how exceptional our accomplishments, experiences, education, qualifications, and gifts they can be all discredited just because of some extra fat. It's wrong, it's discrimination and it amazes me that so many people fail to recognize it as such.

Health Care Money Waste

2009-08-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

The last paragraph of this article got me all hot and bothered. "Other areas of waste identified in the PricewaterhouseCoopers report included up to $493 billion related to risky behavior such as smoking, obesity and alcohol abuse." Hey, Mr. Kavilanz and PricewaterhouseCoopers maybe, just maybe, it's not that our behavior of being obese (I think I'm going to behave obesely today) is wasting money; it's the MASSIVE amount of money spent trying to cure obesity. Study after study has shown being fat alone is not the almighty evil risk it has been made out to be, far too much money (medical and otherwise) has spent in the pursuit of trying to make us thin. Especially when it has an over 95% failure rate. Aaargghhh my head is going to explode with the stupidity.

A Funny, Correct Way to Weigh Yourself

2009-07-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

I got this in a forward from a friend, it amuses me.

The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

Honesty at the DOL

2009-07-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my driver's license renewed after living for five years with what I swear has to be one of the worst driver's license pictures of all time, no kidding it was death row inmate quality. I think for the first time my license will not have a vanity weight. I actually stated as honestly as I could my weight given I'm not sure of it exactly. There it is laminated glory: death fat, available for every cashier who is so inclined to check. For once what is stated is what it is: not a goal weight, not what I was a my thinnest, not 15 or 25 shaved off, not what I last managed to diet and starve myself to. I was going to do it anyway but I admit it helped that my clerk was also death fat and didn't even blink an eye. It was liberating in a way and milestone in this whole fat acceptance. Like if I can't accept where I am how can I expect everyone else to?

Fat Clothing and Simple Living

2009-07-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

So the subject of my plentiful wardrobe came up yet again with my husband. I would like to put this on-going discussion into the context that both of us strive toward the idea of real simple living (not the somewhat commercialized, marketed magazine version). We find being real practitioners somewhat impossible with four children but we dream of it regardless. Our big plan for when all of our kids leave the nest is to get rid of almost everything and move into a parked RV and travel around together in a conversion van.

One of the areas I really cannot seem to commit to minimalism is my clothing. At first my husband attributed it to me being female. However, during the course of the discussion it finally occured to me I also despise the feeling of being unprepared and vulnerable. And I really, really hate paying full price for anything. Being a size 34 pant and a basic size Large shirt my husband can walk into pretty much any store, anywhere that offers men's clothing a just buy something, anything to fit him. At any time. At a size 24/26, 3/4X I cannot. Finding clothes that I like that fit and flatter me takes effort, usually mail-order, and lots of trial and error. Right now I just can't seem to get comfortable with the idea of having less than a stockpile of clothing any more than I can not full pantry bargains with four hungry kids. I have back-ups, for back-ups of swimsuits bought on clearance at Junonia. I guess I will need to sort this out in the coming years as I do not want stuff, even clothing, keeping us back from our dreams and plans.

Light Bulb Moment at Church Today

2009-06-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a Christian. Today at church my pastor taught on this verse: Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day (Colossians 2:16). Even though I’ve likely read that dozens of times it was finally an illuminating moment for me. What I eat or drink isn’t anyone else’s concern and I should not put up with letting anyone else judging me on it, in or out of the church.

Since there isn’t a BMI chart in the Bible I’m also taking it as my size isn’t anyone else’s beeswax either.

Just for Fun, Dancing

2009-06-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

I loved this number on So You Think You Can Dance.

Fat Goggles

2009-05-17T03:01:00.000-07:00

I've slowly come to the realization that my view of attractiveness has evolved over the last couple of years. Fat acceptance, both of my own and others, has also altered my base opinion of beauty. By cutting off and countering all the garbage we're constantly fed about what is attractive I've actually changed my instant, knee-jerk opinions. It seems Maddie at Mirrors in the House came to a similar revelation.

It really hit me this week when I happened to catch Kelly Clarkson on The Ellen Degeneres Show. My first thought was, "She's gained some weight, she looks HOT!"

It's too bad Ms. Clarkson has to deal with so much crap about her weight. Stay strong girl.

Old Diet Ad

2009-05-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

This was sent to me from a good friend. Really, not much has changed. Hydroxycut anyone?

Ms. Greene Tells United How It Is!

2009-05-03T23:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you that haven't seen it there's a great article on the whole United Airlines anti-fatties policy by Susan Greene at denverpost.com. Ms. Greene even quotes Kate Harding, which is always a good thing.

I don't want to spoil the last line so I won't quote it here but it's sweeeet! (Warning: spare yourself and don't bother feeding the morons in the comments section though.)

School Weigh-Ins

2009-04-27T04:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes as a long time homeschooling parent I'm clueless as to what happens at school. My friend was telling me how her fourth grade son had been weighed at school and had felt bad about himself since he was the second heaviest boy in his class at 100 lbs. The school had weighed everyone in the school, in front of everyone in their classes. At the time her son was doing the typical kid out and then up thing and has since grown a couple of inches and lost eight pounds so he's now at least personally feeling better about himself. It sounds like his parents handled the damage control about as well as can be expected. This whole thing makes me livid, I have no doubt whatsoever this asinine act on the part of the school has created no less than two cases of eating disorders per classroom. What an absolutely grossly irresponsible thing to do to children just entering the precarious adolescent stage. Do these school officials have no clue? In my opinion they will likely be responsible for at least a couple of eventual deaths, as well as many years of misery.

Unless my child is on the wrestling team there is absolutely no reason they even need to know my child's weight much less actually weigh them at the school. My child's weight is NONE of their freaking business! Why the heck didn't one of the multitude of adults in on this raise any concerns? If this is how incompetent they are with this issue how what else is going on?

Of course there are also labeling concerns with school weigh-ins.

I Smell Something Fishy

2009-04-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

This isn't coming across as remotely genuine to me. Hmmm...what can Kathy Ireland do to boost her non-existent career? Let's see. How about gaining 25lbs, losing it, and writing a book about it? Sounds like a plan! Hey, maybe we'll even get a deal selling exercise equipment on an infomercial or a home shopping channel!

Kathy, if you were really serious about this you would have at least packed on 50 pounds. Come on, where is the dedication to your craft?

1095 Days Plus One

2009-03-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

Normally I'm not much of a shopper, my general philosophy is I'll never be on my death bed wishing I had shopped more. I gravitate towards online shopping and seriously haven't been in the mall in something like four or five years. However it seems about every year to year and a half I have an almost overwhelming urge to do a massive overall of my wardrobe. I have no doubt it might be construed as shocking to some, especially someone such as my husband who has no problem getting by on three pairs of jeans, a drawer of t-shirts, and two sweatshirts (one is his "dressy" one); AND has remained about the same size for about 15+ years. Also, I'm sure part of his alarm is his personal finances are tied to such episodes (even though, I swear, I'm a major bargain hunter).

About a month ago I came up for breath from one of my sprees. My husband been gone on a military exercise for three weeks and has only been home for three days. He seemed agitated since he came home, after some snarky comments we managed to get to the root of his concerns: that I wasn't done yet and I would just do it again in six months. I said I only tend to do it every year and a half, he said, "Can you make it three years then?" Hmmm... Can I? We worked out some terms: thrift stores don't count and it only applies if I remain the same size (which hasn't really happened over a three year period before but I had always been in the cycle of losing and regaining weight before, or having another baby). I haven't decided if I'm going to take the challenge yet but I'm thinking about it. I'm also thinking he may need to add an incentive to the pot.

Could you take on a similar challenge? Are clothes important part of your personal expression or just functional? Or is it the shopping you love?

50 Million Pounds

2009-03-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

Dr. Ian Smith, from Celebrity Fit Club, is challenging us all to lose 50 million pounds and is still dragging out the tired and erroneous 300,000 deaths per year (along with a whole load of other uncredited, unproven diet psycho babble). Dr. Ian, hey maybe you could do something really novel, you know, perhaps even revolutionary and challenge everyone to throw out their scales and just focus on living the healthiest life they can regardless of weight.

At this point this just makes me all so weary. If this so called experts really cared about America's health and not just selling their diet books and TV shows they would really change their focus.

I could never say it better than Paul Campos did in The Obesity Myth so I won't try: Never before in American history has so much junk science been exploited to whip up hysteria about a supposed public health “epidemic.” The health establishment’s constant barrage of scientifically baseless propaganda regarding the relationship between weight and health constitutes nothing less than egregious abuse of the public trust. This propaganda has played a key role in creating a culture that makes tens of millions of people miserable about their bodies: Worse yet, it has done so for crass economic motives. The war on fat, which is supposedly about making all of us healthy, is really about making some of us rich.

The war on fat is an outrage to values—of equality, of tolerance, of fairness, and indeed of fundamental decency toward those who are different—that American culture celebrates (often with good reason) as essential features of our nation’s character. And in the end nothing could be easier than to win this war: All we need to do is stop fighting it.

Top Obesity Doc Fesses Up

2009-03-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Bri at Fat Lot of Good already had an excellent commentary on this somewhat surprising story (not surprising in it's information most of us fat activists already know, surprising in that a top obesity doctor finally fessed up to it).

To answer that question, Ernsberger took genetically obese and genetically thin rodents and made the thin ones fat by feeding them a high-sugar, high-fat diet. "They both had obesity related problems, but the one that has a poor diet is much less healthy — they have worse blood sugar, worse blood pressure and worse cholesterol.

"So all risk factors are worse off, even though they may not nearly be as heavy as the genetically obese." He says some people are naturally obese and other people are naturally thin but that they force their bodies to become obese by over-eating and under-exercising. "And that's probably the unhealthy obese."

Yes, yes, yes! So like in the "study" I talked about yesterday lumping all fat people and their variety of lifestyle habits is very misleading. Being fat alone is not the major risk factor. Correlation is not causation.

I know I have to be one of the genetically obese under his definitions. I exercise regularly, about an hour of lap swimming three times a week; I eat a much healthier than average diet, most days it's likely even on the low calorie side; and I have very good blood pressure and blood glucose but I'm still very fat. If I try to lose weight it wouldn't be for health reasons as I'm not sick. In fact I would likely be putting my body under risk again because of the stress of starving myself and the inevitable regain would in itself cause metabolic problems.

It's Never Too Early to Get That Baby on a Diet

2009-03-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

Aauugghh! Got to make sure we get those fat babies as early as possible. Next up: mandatory sterilization of fat women.

Obesity Study, I'm Dying.

2009-03-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Gasp, shock, horror; a new, I'm sure badly flawed, non real study (complete with picture of the obligatory, headless fat woman in stripes) has concluded teh fatz is going to kill me, and soon. Of the 57 studies this "study" looked at I'm sure few, or most likely none, controlled for diet, exercise, or perhaps even smoking. Did they even control for dangerous diet drugs or gastric bypass surgery? Hey geniuses, maybe your "cures" for obesity actually contributed to the higher death rates. Even if they didn't there is no reliable, proven, safe way to get fat people thin for the long term.

I'm betting I could look at this same data in a different way and conclude that an increase in dieting behavior increases a premature death rate.

This is more crap science that just feeds the fat panic but doesn't actually offer anything useful. At least they came to the undeniable conclusion that being a little fat actually has the lowest risk. How much more evidence do they need to up the recommended BMI ranges?

Conclusion: Dawn French on Fat Women

2009-02-26T07:07:00.001-08:00

Part 4: Dawn French on Fat Woman

2009-02-25T03:09:00.000-08:00

Part 3: Dawn French on Fat Woman

2009-02-24T01:00:00.001-08:00

Dawn French on Fat Women Part 2

2009-02-22T00:10:00.001-08:00

Fair warning the photographer is an arse but that is likely much of the point.

Dawn French on Fat Women Part 1

2009-02-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

Dawn French

2009-02-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

I have such a girl crush on Dawn French. Being the clueless American I am I didn't know who she was until my husband and I were watching the episode of The F Word with her in it. She's beautiful and funny. I'm in love.

Now I need to read her book!

Joyful Reunion

2009-02-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

This report of a joyful reunion made me cry, and I'm not a crier. With everything going on right now it's nice see these types of reports.

My Red Boots

2009-02-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

...are apparently my f-you boots. So today I'm getting dressed in the locker room after swimming laps. I actually started getting dressed in the changing rooms the last few months because I've decided I would rather not have another unfortunate discussion about my size with a stranger while I'm naked. Obviously I'm not hiding anything as people see me in a suit and see me naked in the showers (I refuse not to have a proper shower). However I put my shoes and socks on out in the benches where there is more room.

So a woman I see there frequently (also fat I might add) looks at my boots and says, "Yikes." To which I say, "Yes, they're out there but I LOVE them." Then she says, "Those are like something on What Not to Wear." I smile, "I couldn't care less." (My friends and family have all been warned to even entertain the notion of calling What Not to Wear on me as they would be met with bitter disappointment.) Then we actually have a pleasant chat about finding plus size clothing and stores, although I got the feeling she was trying to advise me more than anything. I did express several times that I'm fortunate enough to be in a position, i.e. no boss, etc., that I can dress any way I please.

I'm not going to disguise myself and try to fade into the woodwork just because I'm fat. In fact I think in some instances fat people, because of their substance, can carry off certain bold looks with better success than thin people. Just last week I asked my kids (2, 7, 12, and 15) what they thought about how I dress and they all said it was cool, I looked creative, and it was me. My only conern was really not overly embrassing the teens, other than that everyone else can buggar off.

I truly love my Dr. Martens red velvet boots with the satin ribbon laces. I also have them in black velvet. I wanted my red ones so bad I stalked ebay until I found them in my size. In fact I love them so much we made babies:

Ebay Sellers

2009-02-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

...lay off the Fabreze. Seriously dudes, put it down and step away. Take a deep breath, it will be okay. Really. Some of you hard cases may need to start a support group.

I've been revamping my wardrobe (again), partly out of boredom and partly out inspiration from the beautiful women on Flickr Fatshionista. Oh, and I've trying to finally come to terms with my plantar fasciitis being here to stay so I have to part ways with most of my cute shoes that don't allow for my orthotics (not being able to wear slides and clogs when the only thing skinny on you is your heel sucks btw). So I've been thrifting, scouring online clearances (because I generally despise physical retail shopping with a passion), and ebaying. Over 50% of the items from ebay have arrive REEKING of Fabreze. Like give me instant headache, make me nauseous, get it in the laundry immediately reeking (which is a bummer when it's new stuff). What the heck? I do not understand this product, to me there is nothing fresh smelling about it. However, obviously much of their target market is ebay sellers.

Also list your 1X and higher stuff in the plus sizes section or we'll never find it. Oh, and a size L or a 14 is not a plus size (gasp!), list it in the misses section because they won't find it either (even if you happen to think that's a fat size).

Bulging Brides

2009-01-28T00:51:00.000-08:00

As usual I'm behind the times with the coming rant. I had the misfortune of catching my first (and I'm sure only) episode of Bulging Brides. It was an accident as I was finally packing away the last of the Christmas decorations (as I said, behind) and the TV happened to be on. I was mid project and therefore unable to change the channel immediately. It's fairly rare I watch much on accident as we have DVR service with memory that is perpetually full, risking losing the shows I actually do want to watch.

Of course much of Bulging Brides is typical shame the fat people reality show tripe: bride buying a way too tight dress to use as "motivation", screaming trainer, condescending and judgemental nutritionist, blah, blah. To me the worst bit is when the trainer called the bride's workout an "infidelity inhibitor". Yeah, like unless she kept it up she deserved to be cheated on. Which by the way, didn't these grooms propose to these women just the way they are? Aren't they good enough to wed as is? Shouldn't we make sure these men get a mental evaluation because quite obviously they must be abnormal for desiring these woman as is.

Like planning a wedding can't be stressful enough, like make sure crank it up about 100 notches and go on a weight loss show six weeks before. Lets make sure we turn into a crazed, starving bridezilla that no way on earth most people would find attractive. Trust me, few if any people are going to be admiring the fact you starved yourself into a size four rather than your normal size six while you're walking down the aisle; they'll just have fond memories about what a royal B.I.T.C.H. you've been to them lately and try to stuff their true feelings down since it's you're "big day".

I'll also be glad when January is over and all the diet commercials resume to their normal, obnoxious levels.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?

2009-01-22T21:54:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago one of our older sons was at home alone babysitting our two year old. Well at some point our older son fell asleep on the sofa, leaving the two year to his own devices. I came home to eight very full picture boxes, covering about twenty-five years,spread all over the floor. Nightmarish and it took me ten hours to sort them out (yes, the older has been duly dealt with).

The upside was to time to really go through and look at our years past (it helped me soften my mood toward my older son looking a his sweet baby face). Typically all those pictures of me that I had thought I had looked fat, ugly, etc. had miraculously changed. I kept thinking and saying, "I was so cute, why didn't anyone tell me?" To be fair my husband tried but I didn't hear him through my critical inner dialogue. This was also the first time I had really been through these pictures since my fat acceptance. Now what I thought was the most unfortunate was my clothes, especially after the birth of my first son when I first became truly "plus-sized". I had all this baggy, lumpy, generally unflattering clothing. Granted I think the selection has improved in fifteen years but I also think I better idea of how to dress my body, as well as a better idea of my own funky style (which truly came to light a few years ago when I realized with horror during one of my son's soccer practices I was dressed just like all the moms--ala What Not to Wear, only bigger). Now looking back at those pictures I'm no longer critical of myself I just wish I had the confidence to dress better.

It's renewed my resolve to dress in flattering clothes, or at least my fun and funky ones. No more hiding behind dumpy, lumpy sweats or patterned tents. I'm going to represent, not just for myself for all fat people. Does that mean I'm going to have it all together all the time? No way, but going wear what I want without shame or fear.

I don't believe you Biggest Loser

2009-01-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

Sue at suethsayings discussion and the follow up with Pete from The Biggest Loser show has gotten me thinking. I simply don't believe in the premise of the show (or him for that matter, gasp). I don't believe the contestants lose that much weight, that quickly, the "healthy" way. As most fat people I personally have experience with being on a diet (a.k.a "lifestyle" change) for a total of years and years in total. Like most fat people I've done it all kinds of ways: commercial diets, counting calories, starvation, pills, massive exercise, etc. At my thinnest I averaged about 500 calories a day and was running at least five miles a day, of course I did loose 50 lbs but then lost absolutely nothing for over one whole year while still keeping it up (hey, fat people have willpower!). I gained weight back even eating only about 1500 calories a day while still running.

On my last diet I was determined to do it the "right" way. I ate about 1200-1500 calories a day while doing about 2-3 hours of varied exercise a day (swimming, running, gazelle walker, weight lifting). I did lose about 80 lbs but then completely stalled for over six months despite still being about 90 lbs "overweight". I did an experiment of eating 2200-2400 calories a day for two weeks, while still keeping up the exercise. In those two weeks I gained 8 lbs. So I went back to the 1200-1500 calories and still lost nothing in over six months. Then I got pregnant with my fourth. In my previous three pregnancies when I had not been on a diet before I had gained less than 15 lbs in total. With fourth pregnancy I gained 35 lbs despite eating even better than I had with the other three (which was good to begin with).

So, like a lot of fat people I have real experience losing and like 95% of us gaining it (and more back). I know my body. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU Pete. What I find interesting is how threatened Pete seems to be confronted by unbelief.

I'm done being at war with my body and food. I'm not a thin person trapped inside a fat body. I'm a fat person. This in no way diminishes my worth as a person. I'm not a failure, diets are.

New Year's Resolution People

2009-01-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

My husband and I noticed a lot more people clogging up the lap lanes while swimming this week, as well as twice many people in the aqua aerobics class. Lots of New Year's resolution people we're guessing. I will be curious to see how many remain at the end of the month. Since I really like to swim I'm always surprised when chatting with someone who is just enduring it as a means to get to a goal of losing weight. Personally I've never stuck with exercise I've viewed that way for the long term and I have yet to see any one of these people develop into regulars. One thing I seem to have in common with the other people I see week in, week out is we all really like swimming and generally relish our time in the pool.

I've never been a New Year's resolution person, I don't think in my 40 years on the earth I've ever made one. No, not even one of my multitude of previous diets. If I'm going to do something I either do it then or I don't, even if it's Wednesday, May 14th at 3:47. I think I may lack the patience to wait and plan as well. I do wish the New Year's resolution people well, even if I don't get it.

New Hate for a New Year

2009-01-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

Oh, let me count the ways I hate Ann Coulter but this little gem is just the top of my list.

Apparently no problem with Cindy McCain wearing a $300,000 outfit at the Republican convention but in the eye's of Ann Coulter it's a sin to wear fake pearls.

Why does anyone even still publish Coulter's drivel, is this really all this woman can come up with to write about?

Kiss my big, fat butt Hollywood!

2009-01-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie Hairspray for the first time last week. It was refreshing, especially since I watched it with my 80 year old mother who has always focused on exteriors and losing weight, as well as having some disturbing prejudices (that she would deny). She was never content in her body and would forgo going to events like my father's company Christmas party for being "too fat", this at a size 14 in the 70s and 80s. If I lost weight is was never quite good enough,"You'll look really good if you just lose five or ten more," etc. She was also disturbed by the many non-Caucasian boys I dated before just by dumb "luck" marrying the whitiest man in America (British ancestry seems to afforded him almost no melatonin). I'm not sure how much the message took hold with my mother but at least it's something.

Then last night I was channel surfing and came upon the Queen Sized made for TV movie, also starring Nikki Blonsky. I only caught the last half of it but it also seemed mostly decently pro size acceptance. However what I found really disturbing (outside of the absurdly high concentration of diet and gym commercials) was at the end of the movie when the character of Maggie walks around her room, holding a trash can, throwing out about a dozen junk food stashes to indicate her new found "wellness". This sort of thing just makes me so flipping angry. Why is it assumed fat people must always have some sick relationship with food? UGGGHHHH! Don't we get enough of this crap the shows like the Biggest Loser or Celebrity Fit Club? Do we really need this in a movie that is supposed to be about size acceptance aimed at teenage girls? UGH! UGGHH! UGGGHHH!

Big news flash skinny people of the world not all fat people binge eat on comfort food and if we do your stupid messages about it ARE NOT HELPFUL, or informative. Geez, I come from a family of mostly fat people and not a one of us binge eats or has secretive junk food stashes. We actually eat much more healthful than most skinny people I know.

Can't we just have our precious few fat movies in peace without the little message there still must be something wrong with us? Are we so threatening to skinny people? Hey, maybe we are! We make up more than half the population and if we stopped getting distracted by all these messages that try to keep us in shame, spending money on diets that don't work, equipment that ends up in a garage sale, or risking our lives in surgery that has no long term proof it works we could take over and squash them like little bugs!

The Journey Continues

2008-12-14T13:42:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple of months I've found I needed consciously address my own, personal acceptance again. A few pants had gotten a little too tight. In the past I may have forced myself to suffer and endure them, thinking I would try to motivate and remind myself about my goals but really it was punishing myself. This punished me more than just the painful bind in my in tummy, it also made me look dumpy and broadcasted to the world I had gained weight and my clothes didn't fit.

I have had to deal with some of my fear of letting go and just let be what they are going to be with my size. At moments it really has taken a retraining of my personal dialogue. I still have a long way to go on this journey but I suppose I'm at least heading in the right direction. And I have newer, comfortable pants.

Oprah. Again.

2008-12-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Not a surprise Oprah has regained weight, after all we have all BTDT and we all know diets simply don't work. What is so sad to me is how this beautiful, intelligent, accomplished woman cannot find a way to stop beating herself up and just live in peace with herself. What also gets me is she will find her way to another diet (although it will likely be label something like a lifestyle change) We will have another big hoopla show about it and because of her celebrity and influence she will drag millions of woman into spending billions of dollars on some new false hope. Again.

I think I have a new response to when anyone predictably starts talking to me about a new diet they are on, "Interesting, let me know how it works out in three years."

Tralala

2008-11-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a good week indeed. Most of the people I voted for actually won; including president, congressional rep. (my boy, Jay Inslee with 69%!), governor, and superintendent of public instruction. The superintendent of public instruction is the only one my husband and I actually agreed on and we're really happy about that one, bub bye Terry Bergeson. DING, DONG the WASAL test is DEAD! What rubbish that was and cost a freaking ridiculous load of taxpayer money to administer.

I got to spend time with my brother for the first since he moved to Florida over a year ago. He's a good guy and it was great to spend some time with him. The pushy, cleanse lady from the rec. center was suspiciously absent the five days I went swimming. I'm even daring to hope she embarrassed herself and now feels too uncomfortable to face me. That would be really perfect justice in my opinion and hopefully would keep her from approaching a fat person less confident than myself.

O.M.G.

2008-11-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

All I can do is shake my head at this.

At least times have changed

2008-11-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

I have to say when I clicked on the link to this article, Four Body Types: How to Dress, I was pleasantly surprised to see that both plus sized and boyish figures were included. I think we're the two types that much of the fashion industry simply still ignores. How they can continue to ignore over 50% of the female population and stay in business is still beyond me. At least many retail stores seem to finally be getting with the program, if still somewhat too slowly for my liking.

I remember shopping with my mother with I was young, she wore a size 12 or 14 back in the 70's and 80's, so more like a modern 10. She had a terrible time finding anything decent to wear. Most of her options included mu mus and hideous housecoats. I recall one time when she was in tears trying to find something nice to wear to a special occasion. Now in her seventies and about a 1x she hoards clothes to an almost alarming extent. I think it has much to do with growing up poor during the Great Depression but I also think her almost desperate experiences in dressing rooms thirty years ago still haunt her.

While I didn't agree with all of the assertions for plus sized shapes in the Four Body Types article I'm at least encouraged to see us acknowledged for a change.

Partisan Homefront

2008-11-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

Every four years at my house there is far less than normal peace to be had between my husband and I. When we first met almost 21 years ago our first conversation ever resulted in a heated political disagreement, little has changed in the years since. Thankfully politics are the only thing we generally disagree with each other on. Yet every four years it can be brutal. This time we have both an Obama and a McCain bumper sticker on our minivan.

This last weekend we found ourselves hanging out on my sister's sofa reading this Reader's Digest article together. While discussing it we actually found some common ground and understanding. Some of the ideas have real merit and some are rubbish, like number 8: Measure Results and Make Them Public.

The group sets standards of care for 14 conditions, and the onus is on doctors
to counsel, motivate, and even push their patients to get with the program. The
organization gathers outcome data and posts the percentage of patients at each
clinic who meet all the standards for a particular condition on mnhealthcare.org.

Since my husband is naturally slender he didn't immediately see the major flaw with this until I pointed it out. Doctors would shame, bully, etc. fat patients (or other "problem" patients) into complying or find a way to push them out of their practice to make their stats look better. We also jointly found some merit with some of the other ideas. It was so pleasant to find some bipartisan peace on something, especially with a subject that is one of our biggest hot topics.

I so look forward to the end of the election season tomorrow and restoration of usual harmony for a while. Well that and taking that blasted McCain sticker off my ride!

NO THANK YOU!

2008-10-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

After doing laps for 75 minutes in the pool today I was in the locker room getting dressed. A woman tries to hand be a business card while saying, "I don't want you to be offended but I want to let you know about this." She starts to mumble something about losing weight. I said, "Oh, no thank you." She persists, shaking the card. Me again, "No thank you." She goes on. Me, "No thank you. I'm part of the size acceptance movement, I have a fat acceptance blog." She tells me, "It's easy, it's a cleanse, the weight just comes off, you don't have to do anything." (Yeah, right). Again, "No thank you, it's not for me." She goes on, I gather my stuff and head out the door, saying, "Have a nice day." She is still talking as I head out the door, saying something about I'll change my mind when I start to have health problems.

What the heck? Do these people feel led to equally accost underweight people in public. After all they are at similar morbidity risk. I realize they think they have my best interest at heart and they think that justifies such rudeness but I feel like telling them it doesn't. However, I also feel like I need to continue to be polite since I don't want to give them further fuel for their misguided views of fat people. I'm not sure that worked either, I'm sure she just thinks I'm in denial and too lazy to deal with it. However, I don't really care what she thinks either. If she persists again I don't think I'll be as nice. I'm also thinking I'm using one of dressing room curtains from now on.

Hollywood making sure to keep fat jokes alive for the next generation

2008-09-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm still working on my fat acceptance and making decent progress. A couple of months ago I decided life is way too short for uncomfortable pants after enduring a few hours of a pair of jeans digging into my waist. I now have several new pairs, most of them some great knit pants from Junonia.

Today we had a lovely family outing into Seattle and where do I get accosted with fat prejudice again but while watching Fly Me to the Moon. It's an animated 3D movie that is suppose to be a happy story about cute flies going to the moon. Fat jokes were a recurring theme throughout the film but at the worst point it almost had the fat, dumb fly die due to getting stuck where the thin, brave one had just made it easily through. If I had researched it before we went I would have realized this but sadly I didn't. Thankfully we didn't dish any money out for this; tickets were included with our Pacific Science Center membership. I only regret my four kids were exposed to it.

Same Old Thing

2007-12-13T01:50:00.000-08:00

This fall I'm wearing many of the same clothes I did last year, including pants. Even jeans. Okay, to most people this wouldn't likely be a profound moment. To me it is, it's the first time in my life I remember staying exactly the same size a year later. I have always been in the process of gaining or losing weight before.

It's quite lovely to return to some favorites. Since I've always been one to get anything out of my sight that had gotten too tight and reward myself on any weight loss with new clothes so my wardrobe has always been in constant flux. Of course I have also been guilty of purchasing the "motivational" item of clothing while dieting that I was never quite able to wear (what are women thinking when they do that?).

A major benefit to this is how much money and time this frees up. I've spent zero dollars on clothes for me this fall. I went to my husband's Christmas party at work and had no need to comb the stores for something suitable for me to wear. I already had a new, beautiful, purple, velvet set I had gotten on major clearance for $15 from Coldwater Creek last spring (original price around $150). It fit like it did seven months ago. Wow, what a revelation. Is this how it is for most people?

I even had to throw out my lap swimming bathing suit because I wore it out. I'm not sure I ever recall throwing out an item because I had worn it out, my clothes were always able to be given away. I wonder what it would feel like to actually wear most things out. I hope I get a chance to find out.

Why Fat?

2007-11-29T23:36:00.000-08:00

Some lovely ladies at my favorite forum, Frugal Living, said I was being too hard on myself in my blog. After thinking on it a bit I think it may have a lot to do with using the fat word. For most of my life I have used euphemisms like Rubenesque, voluptuous, or pleasantly plump. My favorite description ever used for me is in my medical file from my OB/GYN with my second child. It describes me as "a fully developed, well-nourished women". That's beautiful! And hilarious! How I miss that doctor, he retired several years ago.

I use to go out of my way to avoid using the fat word to describe myself or anyone else, ever. Once when in a dressing room with my little niece she asked my why I wasn't getting a shirt I just tried on. Trying to shield her from the critical comments about weight I had received while growing up I said, "Oh, I'm too cushy for it." After all, to a four year little girl cushy is good. It's only after reading more about the size acceptance movement have I determined to get comfortable the fat word.

I'm sure like many others I have to get over the emotional load that comes with the word fat. For many of us it comes with a lot of baggage. We may been taunted with it on the school playground, we may have accused ourselves with it in the mirror, excused ourselves from leading a full life because of it, or even been disgustedly hurled with it by a parent or loved one.

I do see the point in trying to dismantle it's power. It's an adjective like any other, it's not a measure of my worth, just a physical description. Besides, I'm sure the men involved in the size acceptance movement generally wouldn't appreciate being called Rubenesque or voluptuous. Nor does voluptuous acceptance conjure up the same ideal as fat acceptance.

After all, outside of referring to a person's size fat is generally a good thing. Who doesn't want a fat wallet? Fat, ripe berry? Fat, juicy steak?

Feeling Fat

2007-11-23T23:26:00.000-08:00

I finished Fat Politics by J. Eric Oliver while I was away on vacation. It was informative and an interesting read by not nearly as enlightening as The Obesity Myth. Since Mr. Oliver is a political scientist it understandably written more as policy proposal. It definitely had more of his personal opinions and theories on America's growing weight in recent years than Paul Campos had. However it did give me a greater understanding of how the "obesity epidemic" became a governmental issue. After I finished it I was still left feeling a bit depressed with my position as a fat American.

Thankfully the next book on my roster is Bountiful Women by Bonnie Bernell. It's the perfect lift. It's inspiring, affirming, and encouraging. Of course I deserve to be treated with respect, be comfortable, loved, and lead a fulfilling life. I'm only half way through the book and I know part of me will mourn it's warm embrace after I turn the last page.

Fat White Woman

2007-11-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

I'm about halfway through Fat Politics by J. Eric Oliver. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it when I finish but it the first three chapters weren't an easy read for me. To learn just how statistically despised and disgusting I am as an obese white women did get to me for a day or so. Why do people even care, it's not like I'm going to infect them with my fatness. I think it's that I don't subscribe to the status quo. I do think it gives me a glimpse into what it might be like to be a minority. It's terrible to be judged on something so superficial.

I'm mostly over it now. Really, who gives a rat's rear what they think? If they don't like it, too bad, don't look. It helped looking over The Illustrated BMI Categories . It just reiterated to me that people are beautiful at a variety of sizes. I can be beautiful at "morbidly obese" as well. Who wouldn't hate being referred to as that? It even sounds ugly, nothing with the word morbid in it is going to conjure up positive thoughts. (I totally understand why Kate Harding used the term though, her project shows you how ridiculous and arbitrary the BMI categories are.)

Lush is a much better word. It sounds like what it is and it's all good. I'm going with it.

Pop-Tarts and Bubble Gum

2007-11-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to Big Lots to get some Christmas shopping in without the kids. When I was checking out I put a pile together on the counter and (nicely) asked the cashier to bag them together as they were stocking stuffers that needed to be hidden. She tartly said, "That's fine," giving me the impression I was putting her out. While scanning them she snottily says, "Who give Pop-Tarts as a stocking stuffer?" Well, apparently I do.

When I told my husband about it he said she probably thought since I was fat I was planning on hiding the bag from my family for my own consumption. That is too funny to me, if I'm going to be hiding something away I would pick something WAY better than Pop-Tarts and bubble gum tape (blech, blech). Like CHOCOLATE! What's even funnier is my stash actually consists of those 100 calorie packs of the little cookies and popcorn, sugar free Life Savers, 90 calorie Special K bars, and 50 calorie packs of Goobers and Raisinets. They aren't even hidden away, just in a less convenient cupboard. If I put them in the cupboard with the rest of the food the kids will eat like four packages at a time just because they're easy and in plain sight.

In reality I don't even look at Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its, or boxed mac and cheese as food. It's stuff my kids eat occasionally but I'd need to be on Survivor to actually want to eat it. I would much rather eat a salad, carrots, fruit, or yogurt any day. Just another one of those misperceptions about fat people.

My husband also said this kind of thinking made him furious. We might have a "normal" BMI fat activist on our hands.

Caring for Obese Patients

2007-11-07T23:35:00.000-08:00

It would be a great start if more doctors actually read and implemented these guidelines recommended by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Granted there are still some major flaws (including the BMI chart) but it would be a monumental improvement compared to what is happening to fat people in medical offices everyday.

Weighing patients privately and only when necessary may help them overcome their reluctance to seek medical services.

Yes! Why do any of us, fat or not, get weighed if we're being seen for pneumonia, don't we feel crappy enough? I know I dread getting the potential lecture or comment every time I go to the doctor. I can pretty much guarantee I have a better idea of the calories in most foods than the average physician. An OB/GYN once started to tell me, "You know it's not just how much fat you eat but overall calories." Really? I never went back to her. To be fair not only for that but she started to write me a prescription for birth control pills after I explicitly told her my dermatologist said I should never take them following a rare rash I got after my second pregnancy (that the OB/GYN had never heard of). Wonder she got through med school.

Finally, providers should encourage healthy behaviors and self acceptance even in the absence of weight loss.

Wouldn't that be nice! How sad is it that it's hard for me to even imagine such an experience with a doctor. To be truthful I have had some very good doctors but I still can't imagine them being that encouraging.

Wake Up, I'm Fat!

2007-11-06T23:12:00.000-08:00

The first definitive step I took toward fat acceptance was reading Camryn Manheim's book Wake Up, I'm Fat!. It was compelling, I was cried and rejoiced along with her. Although some of the details are becoming a bit dated the message is still timely.

One of the things she wrote about that spoke to me was how much of her life she had spent waiting for her life to really begin, including losing weight. I have been guilty of these thoughts in the past. It reiterated to me that right now is all we are guaranteed. Her robust appetite for a life that includes tiramisu is infectious. I need to do a better job of embracing the present.

The second lesson I took away from the book was not to let others make me feel less than. If they try to the shame is theirs, not mine. Many of her bold comebacks just might come in handy at some point.

The Exercise I Love

2007-11-05T21:13:00.001-08:00

Family lore has it that I could swim before I could walk. I never remember learning how to swim, I just always could so I'm guessing it's true. My dad had been a lifeguard and a swim instructor plus I grew up on a lake so being able to swim was a safety issue.

My childhood summers were long, hazy days of everyone at the beach. To me swimming has always had connotations of those days. I never swam on a swim team, where we lived they didn't have those yet, but I'm sure I would have if it had been available.

Most of my adult life didn't include much swimming,mostly just recreational opportunities . Then about three and a half years ago I took the kids to an open swim and I fell back in love. I needed to take a hiatus from it during the end of my last pregnancy as I was put on bed rest and it took until he was about ten months for me to get back to it. I love it, some days I can't wait to get there.

I generally swim laps for 45-60 minutes three times a week. I'm not fast and can usually be found in the slow lane but I can keep going and going. Not only is it exercise it's therapeutic. I love the feel of the water running up my arms, over my shoulders, and rushing between my fingers. I drink in the serene feeling I get as my head glides under the water while doing the breast stroke. The best is when I have the lane all to myself and I can do an angel wing backstroke.

One of the bonuses to me is in the pool I'm just another bobbing, swim capped, goggled head. My size matters not a wit. In fact many of the people who work at the pool are fat, even the aqua aerobics instructor likely wears a size 20. Unlike a gym I rarely feel judged for my size there.

The Exercise I Tolerate

2007-11-04T13:28:00.000-08:00

I bought a little stair climber machine at Goodwill for $7.99 a couple of weeks ago. I have a Gazelle machine but it's just too big to have in our living room all the time. So I bought the stair climber to do while I watch TV after I get the kids down to bed for the night. Bloody, diabolical machine! I'm not really unfit and I could barely do a minute without resting for a small bit at first. I managed to huff and puff through ten minutes but kept resting for a few seconds every minute. Two weeks later I'm now able to do the ten minutes with one rest. Progress.

My goal is to slowly get to 20 minutes, 5-7 nights a week. This is also progress for me. In the past my goal would have been to get to 45-60 minutes. It would have then got overwhelming and difficult to manage in the responsibilities of my daily life. I have perfectionist tendencies and sometimes I need to learn to say, "Good enough." Twenty minutes is manageable and good enough.

The Book That Changed My Life

2007-11-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have a new hero, Paul Campos, author of The Obesity Myth. The logical arguments and unbiased look at what the "research" regarding the topic actually said was right up my alley. I could really read all the pro fat acceptance, feel good as your are books on the market and they wouldn't have done what this one book did for me. Actually reading what the science was saying freed me. As I read about how all the misconstrued data, the weight loss industry's tactics, the relentless demands of our society's cult of thinness I felt like I was slowly getting unchained from years of bondage.

I feel free to finally enjoy my life, unburned from some mystical guilt that I'm being a selfish, reckless parent by being fat. Freed from the notion that I can't be healthy and fat.

For those of that have spent been in the trenches of fat acceptance they have known about much of this for some time but I'm glad the message is still getting out there. Funny how almost every new diet book gets tons of press but a book like the The Obesity Myth seems to get lost in comparison. For anyone that might be new to Paul Campos' revolutionary ideas Truth-Driven Thinking has a good transcript on an interview with him.

The only really sad part to me is thinking about how all that wasted time, expense, and energy on trying to lose weight only succeeded in likely making me fatter than I would have been otherwise.

Just a Number

2007-11-02T16:48:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself this morning. I had been thinking about it doing it for a few days. I wonder, do only fat people have that much aversion to the scale? For much of my life that little machine has wielded so much power over me, instantly ruining a otherwise pleasant day or on rarer occasions caused cheers when it read as little as half a pound less than the day before. I finally figured I should at least know what I'm dealing with. The number appears on the digital display, it was about what I expected but I couldn't help having a still somewhat emotional reaction to it. Most of us who have struggled with our weight know it well: a little shock, disappointment, and perhaps even a twinge of fear. So, how can just a number get such an emotionally charged reaction, even when it's within the realm of expectation? Why is so much value placed on it? It certainly isn't a measure of our worth, ability, intelligence, or anything else that should matter. In this journey of fat acceptance does that little number on digital display above my toes ever become a number just as emotionally inconsequential as any other?

Not This Fat Girl's Life

2007-11-01T00:29:00.000-07:00

I just finished The Fat Girl's Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker. I expected to love it, to be inspired by it. Sadly, I just wasn't. I give Ms. Shanker props for her encouraging us to exercise, eat well, be our own advocate, and claim our power. On those matters I agree with her. Most of the rest didn't resonate with me.

I think a more accurate title would have been The Big City, Single, Fat Girl's Guide to a Pre-Middle Age Life. It has very Sex in the City flavor to me (a show I don't like). It was too much out of sync with my reality. I'm far from a sleek, hip, and savvy New Yorker. The thought of buying something "cheap" at H&M, wearing it twice, and throwing it out is absurd to me. In fact, I'm not a retail therapy type of girl as the author says she is. Just schlepping around stores, spending time and money to try to boost my mood or ego isn't something I get. Don't get me wrong, I like dressing well but I don't love the whole shopping thing. I generally prefer to order things online when possible.

Then there was the two chapters on dating and casual sex. I've been very blessed with a husband who loves and delights in me regardless of my size. I've been with him since we were both nineteen. I just can't relate to being in bed with a man I just met, looking forward to the morning so I can get him out of my house. And then the abundance of swearing in the book. In my opinion only Chris Rock does swearing well, with everyone else it just diminishes what they are trying to say.

Ms. Shanker seemed to insinuate most fat people engage or have engaged in binge eating. I have no idea what everyone else does, and my guess is it would be difficult to get reliable stats on that. However, I really never have engaged in any binge eating as an adult, especially when I haven't been on a diet. There may have been a couple of weak, starving moments on a diet I ate more than a "normal" amount when I gave in to temptation. Even then it wasn't anything too crazy.

She also seems to think most of us were carrying around our fat as some sort of barrier, a buffer. Again, I can't vouch for all of us but I'm just not. I don't fear attention or intimacy, I'm not recovering from or stuffing a deep pain. I'm just fat, no major baggage to check.

Halloween Gorge

2007-10-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

Watching my children this evening with a pillow case full of Halloween loot it brings back memories. I think there was a few Halloween nights that were my only instances of real binge eating. Didn't almost all of us do that while we were kids? It seems like we had far less easy access to candy when I was a child. My children are fairly blasé about most of it, we still have some candy leftovers from Easter in our cupboard. That would never happened in our house while growing up!

None of my kids currently have any issues with their weight, in fact two wear slims. I have no idea if that has any connection with their candy attitude or not. More likely they are just blessed with their father's metabolism.

New Thoughts for the Same Old Me

2007-10-31T00:35:00.000-07:00

Just because I've given up dieting it doesn't mean I'm just going to let it all go, park my plump behind on the sofa, scarf down down bon bons and milkshakes until I eat myself to death (conjuring up images of Nicolas Cage's character drinking himself to death in Leaving Las Vegas).

In accepting myself as God made me I also need to honor my body. Feed it good, healthy food and exercise. I can't possibly claim one can be fat AND healthy if I don't take care of myself.

This is an altogether different way of thinking for me. In the past being mindful of eating healthier foods and exercising was just a means to an end, the end being weight loss. I don't lack willpower. Almost all previous "diets" resulted in the following scenario: I religiously followed a low calorie diet and exercised like mad, it would work well for a while until I would hit a mother of all plateaus and absolutely nothing would budge on the scale (or my measurements)--for months and months, even over a year no matter what I did. I would finally give up and weight would rapidly return even though I didn't go hog wild.

I'm retraining myself to view food and exercise differently. It is refreshing to just embrace them both for their own benefits.

Fatspiration

2007-10-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

I'm calling these my fatspiration. It's not in the way anorexic sites (or ana sites) use thinspiration to inspire them continue on in the depths of their disease. These are inspiration to me for to be accepting of my bountiful size. In my eyes these are some of the most beautiful women in the world, plus size or not.

I'm Fat

2007-10-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

There it is. I'm coming to terms with it. I'm not a thin person trying to get out. There is a bit of mourning a dream, as elusive as it is. Odds are I'm never going to be thin, have thighs that don't rub together, wear a single digit size (or anything without an X in it), no one is going to gasp in amazement after seeing for the first time in a while and say, "You look great. You lost weight!"

However, I'm done. I'm done with mentally and emotionally beating myself up for my size. I'm through with starving and exercising myself into year long plateaus, only to see weight come back with alarming speed despite only consuming 2500 calories a day. I'm done with being at war with my body, calories, and the scale. I've wasted more than half my life being dissatisfied with my size, being on a diet or thinking about going on a diet. I'm not wasting any more of my precious time on this planet obsessing about trying to see a lower number on the scale or a smaller number on the tag of my clothes.

The new journey begins. I'm going to learn new thought processes and behaviors. I'm going to view myself differently. I'm wasted so much time, let's go.